y did u give ur computer a hand job?
Dude why does my asshole itch so bad?
I'll teach you how to wipe better
Is it bad everytime a fat person orders fraps I want to tell them to slow their rolls
may or may not have recieved head in the car before we came in.
First straight guy ever blown in a Prius. Congrats.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
I had very briefly met him a few years ago. My friend was tired of hearing us both complain about being horny. She figured she would fuck two birds with one stone.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
If you were more comfortable around gay men, then you too could get wasted at the gay dance club and go home with hot girls.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
I'm using her Instagram as a way to know where in town she is so I can avoid her lol
Came home from this girls horse at 6am to find a guy lighting off roman candles in front of my door. Best walk of fame I've ever had.
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