Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
i just google imaged poop.
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I was so drunk i thought Kathy Griffin was funny
4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.
I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving
Can I just say how funny it is that your "respect" tattoo is right above the bruise from me slapping your ass
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
