She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
Came back with a random sweatshirt, an American flag, and a for sale sign. Mission success?
My now ex hook up buddy realized I was hooking up with others when she saw my spotify sex playlist making appearances on fb. fml
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
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