How is it that lesbians won't hit on me at a gay club, but they'll hit on me every time I go to Walmart?
tried unsuccessfully for 10 minutes to do bong hits while wearing glow in the dark vampire fangs before realizing air was getting out of the sides of my mouth
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.
oh. my. god. yes.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
He left his boxers here. Can I keep them and make a shrine or would that be creepy?
Your rough animalistic sex sounds are disrupting my cocktail hour
Who died my cat blue again?
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
Randomize
