I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
I just saw fred flintstone in my fruity pebbles!
what drugs are you on?
none, cept for the pain medication i got prescribed by the doc: it said 2 pills every 3 hours, but I took 6 cuz i'll be away from home later
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical
Can you bring home an IV stand and an empty bag so I can direct inject coffee for work tomorrow morning?
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
I need to stop using "I went to the Harry Potter theme park" as my pickup line.
Randomize
