And now we're talking about squeezing babies out of vaginas...
in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
i think the theme of this summer is "shitting in weird locations."
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
OK. i'm going to add "riddle me this, brodawg" to the list of things i'm never gonna say to my boss again while i'm high.
In 2009 his now husband dressed in a sailor onesie and heels for pride so he needs to REMEMBER how to party
I'm hoping you were seen by someone holding a frozen turkey at 230 in the morning
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
I cam home to find him twitching on the floor, surrounded by unopened condoms and covered in cranberry sauce (yes I tasted it) while Thundercats was playing.
Randomize
