Motorboating on a tuesday night. not too shabby....
Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
Needless to say, wine tasting turned into wine chugging
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.
Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
To be fair I went my whole first week without showing up to work drunk!
Randomize
