Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Fyi: he's overweight and balding. My biological clock is ticking so loud I can't hear the TV.
I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing
It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.
I have whiskey and jager. There's no telling what kind of monster will emerge
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
I have to answer enough questions about you, I don't need your uterus tossed in the conversation.
oh you know, the usual stuff. getting kicked out of bars and sleeping in cars.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
dude. i woke up on a random lawn wearing only my boxers, with all my clothes hung in the branches of a nearby tree... no more shrooms
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize