Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
there was already a condom in her . . and it was bigger than me
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
Defiantly just threw away our yearly bottle collection in front of the campus tour. The school should pay me for recruitment
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
He stole my heart. I stole his identity.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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