Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved
So this snow storm is NOT helpin my masturbation problem
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
THE VODKA TRAIN IS NOW PULLING INTO THE STATION
I woke up in a chipotle parking lot with an industrial sized box of condoms and a bag of dounut holes. I need Jesus
my liver is dry heaving
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