I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out
I'm drinking red wine & feeding anchovies to the dog. I'm really not picky about what kinda of company I'm in.
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
I'm a bit offended I got no nudies back but it's whatever
They're in the mail. Snapchats too fast. I want the suspense.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
For both our sake, we've decided to ban watching combat sports before sex
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