Oh man I wish you'd been in the car w/ me today. I followed a school bus home filled w/ young boys and I flipped them off the entire way. They loved it.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
I thought it was pretty weird, but after the marinating loins thing, i figured i'd roll with it.
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Is that your Nuva ring on the floor? Shit must have gotten crazy
Randomize
