the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
i just went to use the bathroom this morning and I couldn't because there was someone puking in every stall. i'm going to miss the dorms this summer
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
How did you tell her we met?
I told her that we met at the sex shop down the street, I thought it would be the most reasonable explanation.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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