Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
Her roommate texted her and told her that her cat died. Now she's double-fisting bottles of wine while howling and wailing her dead cat's name. Not how I pictured this booty call.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Wanna get really high and go on a Valentine's Day Sexathon cause we're both single or would that be weird?
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
Well. I hope my dad likes whatever sweater stoned me picks out.
One of the worst parts about living at my parents again is trying to hide how often I'm hungover, just quietly puked in the basement bathroom while my mom got ready for work
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
I need a fucking roommate.
You need a fucking babysitter.
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just remembered that I totally burped into someones mouth when we were making out. I was really smooth about it so he didn't notice.
Not to be hella graphic on main but I just came so hard I think I saw a new color.
Randomize
