I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
Pretty sure that drunken football on the back porch with 6 guys with a champagne bottle was a bad idea....
Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door
Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
Southwest doesn't have zingzang bloody Mary mix. I'm gonna file a complaint with the FAA
Randomize
