Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
two words...techno handjob
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
Hello! Time means nothing. Good morning! I have a vague idea of what day it is.
It is Muednethiday, March 34th, in the Year of Our Lord Joe Exotic 3099.
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