her vagina looked like bernie madoff
So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
This amicable friendliness is dull. We either need to start fighting or fucking around. I'll even let you pick.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
I made him laugh his dick is mine
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
Went to bed still wearing my bralette. When I was changing this morning, a Tootsie Roll fell out. I'm definitely living my best life.
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