so i had a hang over on saturday and i stayed in the shower for 4 hours, then crawled out, skimpered to my bed, and some kid i didnt know was sleeping in it
I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
Dude, I don't care how big her tits are. I have to dump her. She shit in my shower.
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
Wait, is this the kid that tried catching a bat in your backyard with a flashlight and a ball of tin foil?
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I’ll call you in a minute. Trying to book an AirBnB so I can finally bang the yummy guy from yoga
Your downward dog is going to rock his cock. I’m jealous
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