I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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