It was confusing and full of hummus
you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
Three things I need a picture of: your friend, your bong, and your dick.
Normal vaginal pH: 3.8 to 4.5. Of course it tastes like a 9-volt. I could run a potato clock on that thing.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
Help I can't tell if I'm sexually attracted to Bill Nye
Oh.
You came to the right person.
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
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