I can text with my tongue
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
I think she's perpetually drunk
It's all she knows
In her drunkenness, she packed a bag with tequila, two shot glasses, salt, a knife, and two pears. She was prepared but too high to distinguish pears from limes.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
What do I do with all this pork broth? I can't waste it.
CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG CHUG
My vagina just clenched in fear
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
Randomize
