yesterday i saw a blind man guiding himself into a NYC tour bus... and i thought i waste money
if I'm ever single again, I swear to god I'm going to have 87 venerial diseases
I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
So you walked 4 miles to get home but stopped by the store first to get a vegetable tray? How drunk were you?
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
My phone saved "first signs of pregnancy" as a most visited search.
It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.
You know I love you. I just don't love your penis.
Kyle found me outside his apartment in the hallway. Said he didn't hear me knock bt smelled alcohol through the door. I'm sucha bitch to my liver
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
It wasn't exactly a dick pic. It was more like a body shot with a hint of wiener.
Something tells me tonight will end with me wearing my pants on my head again.
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Randomize
