I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I don't think there was a moment this weekend where grey goose did not course through my veins
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?
Probably
Just want to let you know thanks for setting the bar pretty low when it comes to girls.
dropping lines from Workaholics has slowly become my icebreaker when hitting on girls. who would have thought "lets get weird" would cause girls to actually get weird
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
Walking actually physically hurts. We should do it again some time.
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
let me just take this time to thank you again for buying pudding.
It's to the point where if a guy can so much as find my clit, I'll consider him amazing in bed
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