I've been at work for less than an hour and have pooped twice already. That's what happens when you start sleeping with your roommate and don't want to use the bathroom at home anymore.
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
I think she finds the idea of a naked fat man lying on the table and holding our butter offensive
Well I mean he is in a slightly seductive pose
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
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