I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has
There were four people in the car. The girls sure know how to blow. I think we almost crashed when the driver climaxed.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
In the world of sexual, erotic texting, you rank somewhere between "how much teeth do you want" and "how dry do you want it"
So I got lost trying to find you guys and ended up proposing to a bride in a bachelorette party with a condom.
its not everyday you see batman on the ground with someone riverdancing on his face bourbon street never disappoints
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
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