Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
Happy Birhtday!
Dad, it's 3am and it's not my birthday... wherever you are, go home
The feeling are messing with the penis
That's MADAM THUNDERCUNT to you
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
I came home and my mom goes "why are you barefoot and where the hell are your shoes?" and I replied "I have French fries"
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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