I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.
I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
I no longer believe that the road to self esteem is through his penis.
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Somehow my boobs came up in conversation AGAIN last night and I'm still not getting laid...
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
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