you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Honestly, It follows the same rules as Cock Roulette.
I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?
Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
How am I supposed to be friends with him when there's an exact replica of his dick in my underwear drawer?
I'm sitting in my 10 am lecture drinking a flask out of a dorritos bag...I think people are starting to notice but I'm already too drunk to care
I know. I'm a saint. Saint of sitting on faces.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
