I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
STOP GETTING GIRLS PREGNANT IN MY BED.
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Bitch I slept on the ground 2 nights running
Did you pee in the oven last night??
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
She climbed in my window blew me and left. She's in my phone as the blow job fairy
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