I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
I'm about to tackle a 10 year old off a sea doo
This beer is not sobering me up at all
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
When Ben was deep throating pickles last night I actually reconsidered our relationship
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
