You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
He's crying and calling me out on using him. It's awful. And I'm too drunk to leave.
A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
PA to anyone at the party last night and wondering where your pants are: they are in my backyard.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Not many people can say they've been photo bombed by an antelope. I sure did.
It's one am and you're asking me if you should buy a plane ticket for a booty call.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
