You kept shouting "Relax and take notes" every time before you would hit the blunt
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I'm beginning to worry that I seem to get along best with people when I'm naked with them.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Woke up in the ER with a nurse holding my tongue together inside of my mouth and a shattered jaw, the last thing I remember is opening the 151, care to fill me in?
You can't just walk around stealing hats from drunk boys and peeing in bathtubs. Turn down.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
You ripped the leaves off the top of a pineapple then rubbed the rough skin part all over your face saying "this is how you mate with other species"
I was running because his wife invited me to join them on their kinky Vegas weekend. Crossing state lines is too much commitment for me.
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
Randomize