mutual masturbation is only cool if cash money records is involved.
I like bacon cheeseburgers and the pussycat dolls
Does that mean you want me to loosen up your buttons at carls jr?
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.
So you met him?
More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
i now understand why vodka
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
Sometimes I feel like my vagina has a photographic memory of his penis. It sucks that he got engaged....
Randomize
