Haha she couldn't find her dress in the morning. So she left it. How do the hell do I discreetly return that to her at work. More importantly, how did she discreetly do the walk of shame??
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
shattered his nose in 8 pieces. Blaming it on the dog. I feel more guilty about ruining the dog's good name than I do about ruining his nose.
It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.
He was the one that got away. From my vagina.
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
you gave a quesadilla a blow job with sour cream at Denny's.
Yeah! Don't let me leave the house without marijuana and a juicer.
Easy. Go to walmart, buy a bag of charcoal. everyone gets a present and it's cheap.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
Sorry this is the worst night of your life and that you're being a baby about it.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
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