A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
ive never been actively dumping during the pledge of allegiance before today...
I want a grilled cheese and an IV
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
No I have an idea, I saw you running through the neighborhood at 3am while I searched for my flip flops in a ditch
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Muscle is literally tearing itself off of my shins. No I am not going on another bar crawl with you.
I'll pay?
Pick me up at 9.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Randomize
