You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Our room will be decorated with my urine.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
I'm watching Pretty Woman alone and weaving a basket for Fiona. This is my life.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Will u make me a "6 month anniversary of being single" cake??? I wanna celebrate
When we started the night I was in zebra wedges & she was in my black boots... I woke up wearing pink flip flops & the mirror on my rental is fuxked up. Wtf happened last night?
The cop asked me why my pants were around my knees when he woke me from the sink, i replied "Officer, my underwear is still on, nothing bad happened" then he nodded in acknowledgement and we carried on with the paper work.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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