if being creepy is wrong, then i don't want to be right
I justified spending $400 stocking my bar to my sister by saying it was an investment
Personally I think it's a tremendous investment
She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
Dude. I tried to hide my drunk wounds from my parents. Response: "we were young once" and "oh god, did I raise a drunk?"
You are beyond drunk wounds. You have drunk battle scars. A true veteran of the sidewalk
she fell asleep in a torn bush after playing cards at a nursing home.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
