She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
my roommate just caught me washing a dildo in the sink.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I'm sorry. Both for you two breaking up and because I just ate some of your cheez it's.
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Woke up fully clothed in bed sleeping on my purse.....we're back!!!
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Just text the random number in my iphone notes that was entered at 1am. Should be interesting.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
lol hangovers are for mortals.
1. Everyone on the 1st and 3rd floor heard you. 2. The 3rd floor vibrates when we have sex. 3. The 1st floor can hear the bed squeak.
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize