Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
i love accidental penises.
you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
he made a bon jovi sex playlist and started crying when "i'll be there" came on... how was your night?
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
It's like if you wanna bond just do a ropes course or have group sex you don't have to be weird about it
Fuck I think I want to but I don't think I should. Caught between should and wanting.
just follow your vagina
Quote of the day.
I'm pretty sure I broke my breathalyzer by breathing vaporized vodka into it.
I woke up next to my bosses toilet.i wish you had just left me in the neighbors yard.
My theme for the night was drink diego drink! Unfortunately Dora was not there to navigate me to the bathroom
Randomize
