I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.
I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
She said I was the most selfish person in bed she's ever been with and she's fucked Tucker Max.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
I am descending into that finals week rage fueled by ramen, mountain dew and bad sex is what's up.
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
And that is why I love you so much. You have the same cold black heart as me.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
....even the bartender was embarrassed for her
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
