The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.
at the last minute we also decided to throw an egg in the beer bong. and he drank it, shell and all.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
