apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
I woke up and my pants were in the kitchen but my shoes were next to my bed. Do the math...
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
