i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
you were crying while pretty ricky was playing, what did you want me to do
my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
So the chick throws up over the rail from the 15th floor at the sky bar and I knew I would take her back to my hotel.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
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