Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.
Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
Trying not to look at her chest is like trying to not hear a fire engine racing by.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
But there's never enough margarita money.
This is going to be one of those situations where we lose a day, isn't it
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I wanna be like, dude, I peed your bed. Like you laid in my pee. And we're not dating. You can find another fuck buddy who I'm sure won't piss on you.
And the sexual frustration is like I'm wearing a damn horcrux
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
