Hey man sorry I got all grabby
he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.
he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.
It got kind of awkward when her dad brought home a 20 something asian girl at 3am
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
I tried. Now my legs are bleeding and I cracked my head on the coffee table. Never taking your advice again.
Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Just found out i over drew my checking account on a 711 hot dog
Do u remember buying that
I remember eating it on the curb like a drunken hobo
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Randomize
