i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.
do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?
May God have mercy on my new vibrator.
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
IT'S LIKE SHE TAKES SECRET KUNG FU CUNT LESSONS AND THEN BRUCE LEES ALL OVER EVERYONE.
Your "dubstep at ceilis" resulted in a random naked guy busting into my room and peeing all over my bathroom
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
I don't care how hot she was, she wouldn't stop singing "Shut Up and Dance", instant boner-killer.
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Can I just swipe right on his dad?
This is the most aggressive rendition of that Proclaimers song I ever heard.
Randomize