I sware she could use her own nose as a dildo.
After I told my husband the docter shot me in the ass, he said - oh they can but I can't?!
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
im contemplating emailing my dad and telling him how worthless i am and how sorry i am that he pays for my life...aka my bar tabs.
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
Also, did you really start discussing the weather in the middle of telling you my sexual fantasy about you?
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Decided to stay sober a couple days, learned how exceptionally stupid my coworkers are. Might have to quit now. Moral of the story:be careful where you go sober.
Randomize
