your head's too prwtty to be stuck in the books
took him home. told him i would rock his world. passed out. a for effort f for follow thru
I give out O-faces like they're halloween candy
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Apparently I was trying to convince him Springsteen has had buttsex. I ended the argument with "I bet he came from it too."
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
tonight were gonna drink champagne and watch girls put themselves in awkward position
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Remember Christopher who always sends me pictures of his penis? Look to your right, boy in the blue.
Randomize
