I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
the bouncer kept askin you for id just to see how long it would take you to find your pants
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
He's going to find out eventually, but really what's he going to do? Cry about it and buy another fucking kitten??
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I FOUND THE LEGS
Good news. His dicks gotten wayy bigger since high school. I love Thanksgiving break.
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Good new is, my parents are alive. Better news they will be in the hospital all weekend. Best news is im having a house party. All weekend.
I told him he looked like my uncle.
Why would you say that in a bathtub?
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