my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
We watched Jurassic Park and they made me drink every time they saw or named a dinosaur. Do you know how many dinosaurs live in Jurassic Park? Lots.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
I just used my vibrator to scratch my back. This being single shit is for the birds
BUT DID YOU RIDE THAT DICK INTO THE SUNSET THO?
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
He just seemed to happy to be having sex with me that it ruined the mood for me. I just wanted to punch him.
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