She can't keep using her latex allergy as an excuse to go bareback with everyone.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Turns out I tore my ACL when I fell off the mechanical bull.. Happy bday to me
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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