when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
felt a little awkward waiting for my McNuggets after vomiting all over the counter
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.
Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead
She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher
I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Just walked past the field playing Jesus music with a fanny pack full of condoms and beer. Happy Sunday.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
Yo I'm lookin at the cows. They're just fucking docile things
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