so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator
you didnt stop her?
too entertaining
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
She bit me. She gave me a brief pity cuddle. I gave her an awkward backrub, somehow I thought it would be a good idea to include the vagina in that. It wasn't.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
I think he's trying to finish jacking off before throwing up again
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
If I stopped mid-sex because the guy was hung like a light switch, it doesn't count, does it? Like the five second rule.
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
