hey babe thanks for tonight, it was fun.
to be honest, i wanna fuck your friend.
I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.
First memory of my senior year: Going into registration still drunk from last night.
Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
So far today I've found 3.5 million dollars in savings. Pretty sure management is gonna start buying me hookers if getting laid has this much payoff
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
So, I without a doubt haven't used the bag I'm now carrying since we were dating. Just had to discreetly throw out an unopened magnum in a bus station.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
He’s definitely circumcised. There’s not enough room in those speedos for a foreskin with that fire hose he’s packing.
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