dude. I'm so drunk.
pete, this is bryce's mom
I can't wait to have my cock in your ass
pete, this is still bryce's mom
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
Theres a point where you stop and say hey....as high as I am on LSD right now ...I`m just a man covered in paint
We're not piercing ourselves today.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just used a gift card from my in-laws to buy their daughter a vibrator. What even are morals?
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
In celebration of finishing my homework, lets drink tea w/ vodka
Randomize
