my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
you were so drunk you slurred your pauses
If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
He won't have sex to beyonce. I hate him.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I have a lot of money, and no morals. shots on you when you get here.
Randomize
