I wish i could clap on, clap off my penis
We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.
And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm eating ramen over the toilet. Fuck my life
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize