Considering that my ex-wife dumped me to become a lesbian, the Universe owes me a threesome.
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.
Sorry my hands just texted you
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
Don't be alarmed when we finally get naked and I let out a WOOHOO!!!
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
So I had this brilliant idea that I would sleep in all sorts of sweatpants and sweatshirts... Apparently I thought I could "sweat" off the drunk in my sleep and that it would make me feel better when I woke up
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