I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?
Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Don't Richard Nixon her vagina
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
Do it!! We better have a duck by the time I get home.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
Step one: We finally agreed on an au pair that we both wanna fuck.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
